New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
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he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
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Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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