omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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