apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
