I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
