I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
