maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
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I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
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I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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