Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
