You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
