Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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