How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
