she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
