paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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