Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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