So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
