but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
