Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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