and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
