dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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