I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Still dying that you shit outside
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
