Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
