fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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