do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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