Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just invented taco cereal.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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