My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
