he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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