That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
