at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
