My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
it's like iHOP with fire
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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