new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
