LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
