remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
