if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.