My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
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In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your shirt... Was in my pants
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.