I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
