nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
