The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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