I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
