dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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