i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
