Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We got so high we made milksteak
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
