Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
