how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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