I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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