3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
