there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
