you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
