He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
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the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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