guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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