Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
