Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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