I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We are two peas in an std pod
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
