oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
