Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
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At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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