Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
