If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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