I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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