the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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