blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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