she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
