I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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