You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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