Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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